Even when someone seems different from you, chances are you can find at least one important identity you have in common – it could be a role you share (you’re both students) or a group you both belong to. Often those shared identities are bigger and more significant than our differences. For instance, you might root for different hockey teams, but you’re both hockey fans. Instead of focusing on the differences, try to find those important threads of similarity.
How to Do It
1. Before you meet with someone who seems different from you – or even during or after your interaction, if possible – make a list of the defining characteristics that you share in common with this person. These could be groups to which you both belong or identities that shape how you see yourself. Perhaps you both work or live in the same community. Maybe you are a part of different religious communities but both believe strongly in faith as a value. Maybe you have different political views but are both active participants in the democratic process. You can make this list in your head, but it’s even better to write it down.
2. Review this list of shared identities – or, if you can, do it together. Do they feel accurate? Are there any identities missing from the list?
3. Consider: How do these shared identities make you see this person in a new light? If appropriate, you could talk with the other person about how your list impacts the way you see each other.
Why Try It
Focusing on a shared identity allows people from different groups to bridge their differences by widening their sense of who they are and who is part of their “tribe.” Research suggests that when we identify our commonalities, without necessarily suppressing what makes us different, we are more generous, empathic, and helpful toward other people.
Keep in Mind
Members of marginalized communities may not benefit from being asked to identify with members of a dominant group. If they feel that their identities or concerns are being made invisible by the larger group identity, that can harm their psychological well-being and even undermine their willingness to participate in the larger collective.
It’s also important not to suppress our own varied identities in the interest of finding a bigger shared identity. For instance, at an interfaith forum between Muslims and Christians, you should acknowledge the differences between these faiths (such as their distinct practices) while encouraging parishioners to discuss where their faiths overlap (such as a belief in monotheism).