We’re more likely to want to bridge our differences with someone when we feel heard and understood by them – and we’re more effective at connecting with someone when we really listen to where they’re coming from. This practice helps you tune into what someone else is saying and convey that you’re paying attention to them. It’s a useful skill for fostering empathy and connection in our everyday lives, especially in difficult conversations.
How to Do It
If possible, find a quiet place where you can talk with someone without interruption or distraction. Invite them to share what’s on their mind. As they talk, try to follow the steps below. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more you do cover, the more effective this practice is likely to be.
1. Affirmation. Affirming feelings or opinions – such as a simple “that makes sense” or “yes, I hear you” – helps build trust and demonstrate respect for the other person’s lived experiences. Compassionate listening starts when you can remember that any person is worth listening to because that can open the door for connection and mutual growth.
2. Be curious. When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. You could ask about how someone’s past or childhood informs their present situation or feeling. Avoid jumping to conclusions. Instead, you could ask clarifying questions, such as, “When you say_____, do you mean_____?”
3. Hold negative emotions. If the other person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why they feel that way, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself.
4. Use engaged body language. Show that you are engaged and interested by making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, and maintaining an open and relaxed body posture. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might communicate disapproval or disgust.
5. Take turns. After listening to the speaker, ask if it’s okay for you to share your perspective. Express yourself as clearly as possible using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when…”). It may also be helpful to express empathy for the other person’s perspective. People are often more likely to listen and remain engaged if they know they will be listened to as well.
If appropriate to the situation, you could try setting up an equal listening time agreement, where each person gets the same amount of time to listen and to be listened. This can be an effective method of practicing and receiving compassionate listening.
Pro Tip
Avoid attending to distractions in your environment, such as checking your phone.
Why Try It
Often we’ll listen to someone without really hearing them. In the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person – and even risk making them feel neglected, disrespected, or resentful. This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and make them feel heard – a way to foster empathy and connection. This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations.
Keep in Mind
When you’re listening, try to avoid expressing judgements or giving advice. Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Try not to interrupt with counter-arguments or mentally prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking. Problem-solving or advice-giving is likely to be more effective after both partners understand one another’s perspective and feel heard.